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This message Lair Legion Chronicles #7 and 8: What Came Before was posted by Nats on Sunday, March 17, 2002 at 17:22.
Lair Legion Chronicles #7
Written by Nats
Seek, Hunt, Destroy
The Chronicler of Stories noticed the new character that had been entered into the pages of the Book of Stories. He was intrigued at this new character, and realized that he may bring a serious burden upon several other characters in the Parodyverse.
The Chronicler turned the page and read on.
***
It had become a ritual, even if it wasn't meant to.
First came the high-impact kevlar mesh jumpsuit, which felt like a second skin.
The red suit was followed by a gold metal chestplate. A belt was built into the chestplate, wrapping around the back, where the backplate was.
Next came the gold bands around the biceps and thighs. These were followed by the gold boots, and the gold coverings for the forearm, which covered the back of the hand but left the palms and fingers open.
The flowing red cape followed. It was fireproof, and had kevlar sewed into it.
The final coup de grace was the headband, which had a ruby in its center.
The figure, after dressing in his royal garb, eyed himself in the mirror, which was framed in silver.
"Smokin'," he smiled.
The mirror glowed slightly, then burst into flames, and was consumed by them in seconds, until nothing remained but a burn mark on the floor.
"Ahem," he cleared his throat. "Quite."
***
dull thud patrolled the streets of Parodiopolis...sort of.
"Ye think I'd be able to get a drink in this town," the scottish roadie scoffed. "What, they think I'm a Brummie or something?"
Now, to the average passerby, this long haired music lover would appear to be a paranoid schizophreniac. However, his telepathic tapeworm named Cressida didn't mind the glares. She just liked to listen, that is, when she wasn't talking.
~~I'm sure they aren't, thuddy,~~ she consoled him. ~~Besides, these Yanks probably don't know what a Brummie even is. However, I thought you were looking for the Florist. He did escape from the moderately secure prison in Rhode Island.~~
"Ahh, I was," he told her. "I was just looking for a quick sip o' scotch, and then I would've been good to go. A hero needs to have his rest if he wants to keep up with all the evil in the world."
~~Whatever you say, m'dear,~~ Cressida said.
"Besides, it could take forever to find the Florist. Remember? Rhode Island? Besides, I doubt he'd come back here. Lordy. Rhode Island. What sissies..."
~~You don't know that,~~ Cressida responded as the duo turned the corner. ~~He could be right around this...corner...~~
dull thud looked up from his shoes and found himself face to face with the Florist.
"Ack..." thud acked, and teleported straight up into the air, and then prepared for the hard descent. After all, he might as well use his ability to teleport up into the air and land on things without getting badly injured.
The Roadie Warrior was picking up some good speed when he fell right into the Florist's trap. A large Venus Fly Trap, grown within seconds, enveloped dull thud, trapping him. However, Cressida took immediate action, using her ability to turn anything into something it rhymed with by transforming the giant flower into flour, letting thud fall back onto the ground, covered in white baking dust, yet unhurt.
"Okay," the shaggy Scotsman said to the Florist, not noticing the sleek figure dropping down behind him. "Now ye've slightly ticked me off." Then the hero felt a tap on his shoulder. "What now?" he barked at the slender female.
~~thuddy,~~ the Telepathic Tapeworm Wonder warned, ~~Watch ooof!~~
"Urgh!" dull thud grunted as he was punched in the stomach by the small yet super-strong bald villainess with multiple face, ear, and tongue piercings, who was scantily clad with leather. He continued to get pounded in the breadbasket, pummeling Cressida out of commission. "You dirty bi--"
With one final punch, the villainess performed a quick right to thud's jaw, knocking him out.
"The name's Grrl, shaggy. Remember that name."
"I doubt he will, ma'am, for he's unconscious," the Florist told her.
"I was being cool," Grrl replied. "All the cool people make quips when the enemy is defeated. Duh."
"Oh, right. He didn't even give us nearly as much trouble as that blasted Captain Astounding and his power to hold his arm at shoulder length for an extended period of time, though," the small man in the white coat who enjoyed the company of plants said. "Still, we've taken out Astounding, Grannie Fang, that silent nun, and dull thud. I wonder how the others made out?"
Grrl picked up the hero's limp body, and the two villains walked off.
***
"Faithful, flying Falcon, patrolling the skies of Parodiopolis, taking a break from SPUD-related work, dutifully protects his faithful city, ever watchful, ever vigilant, ever...self-narrating..." Falcon proclaimed, talking to himself during flight.
"He circles Off-Centre Park, looking for the deviant miscreants that would defile and violate the law, making a mockery of justice. But no, justice is not a participant of Whose Line Is It Anyway?! Justice is truth! And truth, beauty! And beauty is a soft gooey chunk of niceness that makes you feel warm inside!"
That's when the twin blasts of energy slammed into his back. Falcon was driven off to the side, but he rebounded by snagging a lamppost and swinging around it, landing wings-first into the ground. His metal wings were dented, but he was mostly unhurt.
"What evil menace dares to attack our faithful flying hero?" Falcon called out into the night.
"I do, dumbass," the tall muscular man in the dark clothes said. His eyes glowed a bright blue, lighting the dark night. "Do you even know who I am?"
"Um..." Falcon stalled. "An angry Republican?"
"Pffh. The name's Quake."
"Like the video game?" Falcon quipped. "Man, I'm on a roll tonight...."
A tremendous sound wave erupted from Quake's body, rattling Falcon's entire form down to his bones, sending him sprawling backward a few feet.
Falcon knelt on the ground, catching his breath. He held his right arm in the air, and squeezed his fist together, activating the mechanism in his tech-gloves that sent three circular shurikens spinning towards the evil powerhouse from the future. "Can I interest you in a heaping helping of my patented halcyon-blades?" the winged wonder asked.
Suddenly, three small knives shot out of the darkness, chopping each halcyon-blade in half, and then exploding. "Only if I can have a side of Falcon with it," the small, 4'6" man said.
"I could've taken him, Jack Knife. I don't need your help."
"Hey," the knife-wielding henchman of Quake said, "I'm here to help you. Got a problem?"
"I'm your boss, Jack," Quake told him. "Do as I say."
"I thought we made a deal to be more like partners," Jack said.
"If, y'know, you guys are busy, I'll just get out of here," Falcon smiled, getting up and running away, because of his damaged wings.
"We'll see about that," Quake said, projecting heat blasts from his hands, which melted most of Falcon's wings and seared his flesh.
Jack Knife removed a concussion butter knife from his jacket and hurled it at Falcon's head. It exploded on impact, knocking the hero out.
"This guy works for SPUD," the larger man told his little friend. "Think they'll come after him?"
"Nah. I sent a fake message to Drury telling him that BALD had taken some place over. And I rigged that place with explosives and knockout gas."
"Good plan, little man," Quake said, propping Falcon's unconscious body on his shoulder.
***
"Hurry-eth Buffy! Getteth thy hot behind to the high school! Drusilla has attacked Kendra! Canst thou not hear me? Leave Angel behind and go saveth thy friends!" the hemigod of thunder hollered at Visionary's high definition television.
"Donar, haven't you seen this one five times before?" Cheryl, who was Vizh's wife, asked.
"Yes, my fair maiden, but perhaps I canst convince-eth the vampire slayer to rescue her friends this time."
"Donar, it's a TV show. You can't change the outcome."
"Oh..." Donar mumbled, spilling his mead on his pants.
"'scuze me, Cheryl, but can me and Yo play the Super Nintendo?" Asil, currently in her 12 year old form, asked the Duchess of Lake Superior.
"Go ahead, hon," Cheryl smiled. "Donar and I need to talk about reality vs. fantasy."
"Why is Visi not being buying newer video games, like StationPlaying 2 or the Xbox, or even the Gameycube?" Yo asked the clone of Lisa.
"Oh, Cheryl said Vizh was too childish, so to combat that, she decided not to get a new game system."
"Visi is not to be being childish, is being mature and nice and cuddly, like bunnies," Yo declared.
"Pleeeeeeeeeeease, for the love of Mike, I don't wanna be the leader! I don' wanna!" Visionary sobbed, begging on his knees to Lisa not to lead the team.
"I'm not saying you have to on a permanent basis, Vizh, I'm just saying maybe we should have a rotating leadership thing going on...geez, Vizh, let go of my leg."
That's when Cheryl and Donar walked in. "Um...dear?" Cheryl squeaked. "Why do you have a deathgrip on Lisa's..."
The First Lady of the LoR chuckled. "Oh, I was just explaining to him about the League of Regulars's new rotating leadership policy."
"Oh," the possibly fake-man's wife said. "That explains it."
"Er, so Cheryleth...canst I...um...please?" Donar asked.
Cheryl sighed. "Go ahead, Donar. Go play Super Nintendo."
"The Oldmanson thanks thee!" Donar smiled, and skipped off.
"Well," Cheryl said loudly. "I think I'll go see if the cat suit still fits..."
Visionary immediately ceased his tears and stood up. "I'll go with you. You might need help squeezing into it, or something."
Cheryl grinned. Works every time, she thought. "Come along than, honey."
A muffled explosion was heard somewhere in the condo. Five seconds later, NTU-150's assistant elf named Zebulon rocketed straight through the wall and slammed into Visionary's head.
"Gaah!" Vizh screamed, collapsing.
"Holy cow!" came Enty's voice through the large hole. "He went through four rooms. A new record!"
Cheryl sighed. Lord, give me strength.
"Mail call!" Tina called from the doorway. "Hey, this is weird," the girlfriend of NTU-150 said.
"Let me see," Lisa asked, taking the letter from her. "Oh, this is too much. Vizh, Cheryl, Enty, Donar, Yo, and I have been invited to the...Jerry Springer show? It appears the LL has some grudge against us? 'One Team Too Many?' What the...?"
Donar immediately walked over. "What? This canst not be true...unless my fellow Legionnaires have conspiredeth 'gainst me! Canst this be possible?"
"There's only one way to find out," Cheryl breathed. "We have to go."
"Yay!" Donar cheered. "Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth!"
"Tina, you, Asil, and Zebulon will man the fort while we're gone," Lisa.
"Will do, doody-head!" Asil Ashling nodded.
And with that, the official lineup of the League of Regulars departed.
Seconds after they had gone, knockout gas spilled out through the air ducts, knocking everyone in the building out.
***
"This the place?" the first trenchcoated figure asked.
"RocketMan Memorial High," the much shorter trenchcoated figure answered. "You bet."
"It's lunch hour now, right?" the first one asked.
"Yes," the second said.
"Let's go," the first nodded.
"Going...now," the second said.
They strolled into the school.
Slipping past the janitors unnoticed, the pair continued to sneak towards the south wing of the building...the cafeteria.
They stood outside the doors leading into the large mess hall.
"Do you have a visual?" the first figure asked.
"That I do," the second stated. "Both targets are sitting together."
"Good. Let's take them down."
"Affirmative."
With that, the Birthday Bandit and Turbo Treesloth prepared for action.
Shane Jackson sat with his friends, Jeremy "Jimmy" Wick and Ian "Ian" Astheimer.
"Shane," Jeremy said to his friend, "I know it's been a few rough months for you, and I'm really sorry about Sarah, but you have to pull through this."
"Screw you," Shane spat into his mystery meat. "My best friend died. My girlfriend died. I don't care about school anymore."
"C'mon, man," Ian told him. "You saved the frikkin' world. You were Messenger."
"I was, but look where that got me. Dead friends, and F's on my report cards."
"Jeezus, if you're gonna be a bee-yotch about it, then forget I said anything," Ian muttered.
"Listen, Shane, don't give up. You were a super-hero. You saved a lot of lives."
"Shut up, Jimmy. I didn't save Sarah's."
"Heroes can't save everyone. September 11th showed us that."
"Mr. Lipschitz was in that building," Shane said. "Another one bites the dust."
"But Shane," Jeremy said, getting back to the subject, "Being a hero stays in your blood. I'm sure, if you tried to do good again, your spirit would lift. You'll get better grades."
"Oh, look," Ian said, "I spilled Snapple on my new pants."
"Jimmy, really...it's good that you wanna help...but I'll deal."
"You're not doing a very good job."
"Shut the---"
Then the wall exploded inward, and a three foot tall treesloth rocketed into the RocketMan High lunchroom. He was followed by a man in a green and yellow jumpsuit, holding a taser gun.
"Dazamn!!" Ian shouted, ducking under the table.
"Remember what I said about that hero thing?" Jeremy asked Shane as 100 panicking students raced towards the fire exits.
"Nope. But let's do this," Shane told him.
Jeremy Wick, also known as Dynamite Boy, leaped over the table. "I'll take the raccoon."
"I'm a TREESLOTH!" TT said, grabbing Jimmy in midair and flying off.
Shane grunted. "Fine. Leave me with the homo in the spandex then." The angry teenager flung a fork at the villain's head, tearing open his head covering, exposing a tuft of brown hair.
"Hey!" Birthday Bandit yelled. "I resent that."
"Whatever," Shane, the boy that would be Messenger said. He landed a kick to the Bandit's groin, and then spinkicked the villain in the head.
"Does it happen to be your birthday today?" the Bandit asked through a bloddy lip.
"Nope. It was last week."
"Dammit..." the man whose ability was to steal people's powers by stealing their birthdays cursed. Shane punched him in the head a few times, then tripped him.
"Hey, Jim, I got this guy in two minutes! You owe me a buck!" Shane yelled.
Birthday Bandit took the distraction by shooting Shane in the chest with a taser disk. Electrical shocks rippled throughout Shane's body, until he fell on the floor in convulsions.
"Got distracted, rookie..." B-Day Bandit smirked. "Big mistake."
Looks like ol' Ian's got to save the day, Ian said, as he opened his gym-bag under the lunch table. Those guys never thought *I* had powers...
Dynamite Boy prepared for an explosion that would take out the treesloth that was currently flying him around the room.
Turbo Treesloth was prepared for this move, however, and let go of DB just as he detonated, taking out a large portion of wall.
Jeremy tried to reform himself as fast as possible. Turbo flew in for a fast strike.
DB swung his fist as it TT barrelled towards him. His forearm exploded on contact, rocketing the sloth backwards. The villain collided into the wall on the other side of the room, crushing his jetpack. He discarded it, and sent his mini-missiles to finish off the young hero.
"Jimmy" blew up his torso; the missiles flew straight through the gaping hole.
Turbo Treesloth regreted to mention that the missiles were that of the homing nature.
When DB reformed, the missiles caught him in the back, knocking him onto the ground. He heard Shane call over to him seconds before he slipped into unconsciousness.
"We should get out of here before the police show," Birthday Bandit said to his partner.
"Good idea," the sloth affirmed, pressing a button on his wristband which sent out a call to his backup jetpack.
That's when the new hero wearing black and frosty blue appeared behind them from under a table.
"Halt, enemies of good! Icewing stands ready to defend justice!"
"..."
"..."
"Bwahahahahahaha!" the villains laughed together.
"Oh man...that was good," Turbo Treesloth giggled. "Do another."
"Heheheh," chortled the Birthday Bandit. "You rookies crack me up."
"What? Didn't it sound serious?" the icy avenger asked, his skin sheathed with ice.
"Nah. Don't try the noble, heroic thing. Too cornball," the Treesloth replied.
"And that costume..." the Bandit observed. "Who dressed you, Nats?"
"Oh, come on, Phil, look at yourself," the Treesloth muttered.
"Well...okay..."
"So, uh...can we fight now?" Icewing wondered.
"If you say so," B-Day Bandit shrugged, aiming the taser-gun.
Icewing quickly dispersed a beam of cold at the villain's hand, encasing his entire forearm, plus gun, in a block of ice.
"Gaah!" the villain interjected. "ColdcoldCOLDcold..."
Turbo Treesloth ran towards Icewing as fast as his slow, chubby, sloth-legs could carry him. The newbie of a hero coated the tiled floor in slick ice, causing his short opponent to slip and slide towards the ice platform the hero had just created to carry himself into the air ala Iceman.
Icewing leaped off of his ice-sled and jumpkicked Birthday Bandit, who semi-blocked with his ice-coated arm.
"Holy to the izm, crap to the izane!" Icewing smiled as he fought off the Bandit. "Can't believe I'm actually doing this!"
That's when Turbo Treesloth's second jetpack found its way into the cafeteria. It attached to Icewing's back and flew him headfirst into a wall, knocking him out.
"Should we take him back with the others?" the Bandit asked the Treesloth, who was melting the ice on the former's arm with the flame exhaust from his jetpack.
"Yeah, we should," TT said.
"I can't believe we beat these guys."
"I know...look at us! We're the biggest super-villain losers ever."
"Huh huh."
"Huh."
***
GothamMetropolis York.
The seediest place in the Western Hemisphere.
Seedier than Seedy Town.
And God help them all...
spiffy is the mayor.
"Mr. Mayor, I am telling you, mutants are not a danger to society," De Brown Streak, mutant outlaw and spokesperson, who was a speedster that became faster when he became more scared, and left a brown streak as he ran, told Mark Hopkins, the super-hero known as spiffy, who just happened to be mayor of every city in the country except Parodiopolis. He was only the stand-in mayor there until Pierson's Porter decided to show up in continuity again.
"I know that...um..." spiffy stuttered.
"Call me Josh," Josh Clement.
"Okay, DBS," the mayor nodded. "It's just that you kinda freaked me out when you came in here at 100 miles an hour, disabled the entire security staff, and left brown streaks all over my new green carpet. It used to match my energy absorbing symbiotic fern."
"I noticed," the outlaw responded, glancing at the fern growing out of spiffy's head. It moved about of its own free will. "But I'm telling you, you need to stop prejudice of mutants. I came to you because you're the mayor of every city. You techically have more power in this country than the president."
"It's actually quite hard to change society's ignorances with a law..." spiffy said.
"Just...un-outlaw mutants!"
"Mutants aren't outlawed. You can't outlaw a race of people. It's just their criminal activities which are outlawed. You've broken the law on more than one occasion. I could have you arrested..."
"...but you agree with me and my views. You're my friend. Plus, I took out security."
"I have a phone right here. I could call the cops."
"I disconnected it."
"Really?" spiffy picked up the phone and listened to a solid ring. "Guess you did."
"In fact, you and I are the only two conscious people in the entire building."
"Wow. You really do cover all the bases."
"Not ALL of them, eh?" the red and white garbed figure standing in the doorway spoke. He wore the flag of Canada on his chest and as a cape. He had a maple leaf for a mask. "We're the only THREE conscious people in the building. Yes, that's aboot right. The name's Canadian Nightmare."
"What kind of stereotypical Canadian are you supposed to be?" Mark Hopkins asked. "I mean, that costume is so...dope."
"I happen to be a mind-controlling one," the villain answered. His eyes flashed red.
"What the heck does that mean?" De Brown Streak pondered.
"It means I can control the minds of all Canadians," CN told him as spiffy's fern wrapped around DBS, binding him together and choking him.
"Glkk..." Joshua Clement said.
"Can't breathe, eh?" the Canadian super-villain asked him. "You have aboot one minute till you lapse into unconsciousness. Up to another minute, and then you die."
The fern began to ease off. Canada-Man can control spiffy well, but not his fern. If I can just...
DBS began to vibrate at super-speed. Faster. Faster. Faster.
His molecules literally shook apart, and he fell out of his bindings, and back into one piece. The hero took deep breaths to get his heart pumpng again. He hadn't tried that stunt before. Then DBS quickly spun around, grabbed spiffy's fern, swung the mayor around, and hurled him at Canadian Nightmare.
The villain took one step to the left, and watched as spiffy flew into the hallway at 60 miles an hour. A loud thud followed.
That's when DBS made his move, rushing headlong at Canadian Nightmare, ready to attack.
"I also have the combined strength of every Canadian alive," the villain said, punching DBS, sending him flying backwards at super-speed straight out the window of the 30th floor and onto the sidewalk below. "That includes Exile, Hatman, Goldeneyed, and spiffy," he added.
Frog-Man broke De Brown Streak's fall. De Brown Streak broke Frog-Man.
Another battle lost by the heroes.
***
The Lair Legion Mansion...
"What do these things do?" the high-flying delivery boy hero Nats asked his boss Miss Framlicker as she attached small circular disks to his temples, neck, and chest.
"They will monitor your vital signs as I clock your speed," the scientist answered. "I'll know if your heart explodes while you fly."
"Oh, that sounds fun," the young redheaded Bill Reed said.
"When I tell you, begin flying around the mansion," she told him.
"Gotcha," Nats replied, placing his mystical cane on the table that held the special equipment. "Be careful, too, because I think Enty built those," he smiled.
"Of course," Miss F said coldly, not responding to the attempt at humor.
Nats put his company-issued leather jacket on. The Interdimensional Transportation Corporation knew how to treat its delivery boys. "Might get chilly," he grinned.
"I doubt it'll be cold at your speeds," she told him, turning a few knobs on the control panel in front of her. "Now...get ready...begin."
Nats took off, circling the mansion. Miss Framlicker's devices monitored his speed. "Hmm ... 350 miles per hour ... 450 ... 500 ... incredible ..." Miss Framlicker noted.
Nats's personal telekinetic aura protected him from being crushed and burnt by the immense speeds an G-force he created by flight, however, he grunted against the force.
"... 700 ... gaining speed ... he's going to--"
A tremendously loud sonic boom resonated throughout the island.
"--break the speed of sound--" she breathed. "Leveling off at 750 ... his heart's beating incredibly fast ... his breathing's getting dangerous ... uh oh."
Nats struggled with the mild pain in his chest. Torso's on fire... he thought. Wait...if the stick enhances my powers...that includes flight...
And orange blur swooped down, and the cane was gone.
"What the--?" Miss Framlicker gasped. "...800...900...950...1000?"
Still, the pain was a bit too much for Nats. He put on the brakes. However, at his speeds, he couldn't possibly stop himself on a dime, and rocketed forward, out of control. His jacket caught fire, and he finally landed, crashing into a fruit stand--in Brazil.
"Hmph," Fin Fang Foom, the leader of the Lair Legion, grumbled. He sat on his bed, in his room, watching an orange blur whiz past every few seconds. He felt lonely...and he felt he should.
Whitney Darkness, the legionnaire by the name of Sorceress, poked her head through his door. "Everything alright, Andy?"
Finny looked, surprised she called him by his human name, Andrew Dean. "Everything's normal," he replied. Then he continued to mope.
Whitney ambled over to his side, and sat down next to him. She patted him on his large, green, scaly, draconic shoulder. "There's something wrong about your sense of normal," she wagered. "Isn't there?"
"It's just that I feel left out," the dragon sighed. "Most of you have somebody you can relate to. For instance--you have Jay. But I don't have anyone. I have my human feelings, yeah, but I'm a dragon, and there aren't any other Makluans I can talk to. I'm the last of my kind. It's why DK is a good friend. And Ziles. We're outsiders."
"You're not an outsider," Whitney reassured him. "We're all family in this mansion ... even Flapjack. We go through more than other people, but we come out whole, and that's a good thing. We help people."
"I find comfort in helping people, saving lives..." Finny told her. "But sometimes, I just want to talk to someone who won't stare at me and be afraid."
"I won't stare," she said, putting her arms around him and giving him the best hug she could, given his large size. "You're a good friend, Andy, and I want to be your friend too."
"Uh, Whit," Finny spoke, uncomfortably. "Um. Jay..."
She gave him a slight kiss on his scaly cheek. "I know. I just figured you needed someone's shoulder right now..." She stood up. "See you."
"Thanks," the dragon mumbled as she left. He only felt more uncomfortable around her now. The previous situation was confusing.
The window now showed a solid orange blur. A huge boom erupted into the air.
Troia215, the team's secretary, met Hatman, the deputy leader, in the halls. "Hat," she barked.
"What now?" Jay Boaz wondered.
"I need a secretary," the Amazonian Administrator said.
"You ARE the secretary," he told her.
"Does that mean I can't have my own secretary?" she asked him.
"Doesn't it?" the Capped Crusader shrugged.
"Fine, I'll take it up with Finny after he's done with Whitney," Troia grumbled.
"Whitney?" Jay mouthed as she walked away.
Amy Racecar, the team's mechanic, who could also heat her skin in order to heat other things, walked down the hall and bumped into Hatman.
"Oh!" she gasped. "Sorry."
"Nah, my fault," he said, "blocking traffic like that. Does Troia seem a bit hot under the collar to you?"
"A bit," Amy replied, looking into Hattie's eyes dreamily. "But I'm sure I'm much hotter."
"Uh..." Jay stammered. "Right...I'll see you around then."
He got out of there before the situation got any weirder.
Bryan Katz, Goldeneyed, teleported into the kitchen with a flash of light. He removed his mask and sat down at the table. "Woo," he said, wiping sweat from his brow. His eyes didn't glow as much as they normally would, inferring that he had recently done much teleporting. "Never knew there was so much junk in the lower levels that needed to be taken out," he told Lisette, sitting across from him. As G-Eyed drank his juice, Lisette wolfed down potatoes, carrots, and toast.
"Um...Lis, honey? Slow down, take a breath."
"Huh? Oh..." she smiled, wiping butter off her lip. "Sorry. I was just a little hungry."
"Nah, it's okay." He looked at her deeply, love in his eyes. "You look good this morning. Although you seem a little pale."
"I do? I look good? Heh..." she said quickly, jumping through sentence after sentence. "I dunno about the paleness...maybe it's just a stomach bug, or something."
"I see..." Bry nodded. "Heya, Derek. How's it going?"
Derek Foreman, aka Exile, grumbled incoherently and sipped his extra-caffeinated coffee.
Nats stumbled into the room. "That was...something," he chuckled, sitting down. He was sweating profusely.
"Bill?" Miss Framlicker asked, stepping into the room. "Readings are in...your speed is immense, nothing like it was a few months ago. Without your cane, you flew 700 miles an hour. Your boost in velocity is quite larger, when proportionately compared to your earlier flight tests."
Nats stared at her blankly. "Which means...?"
"You can fly as fast as the Flash runs."
"Holy---" Exile said, looking up from his coffee.
"Assemble the team!" Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove, the CrazySugarFreakBoy! declared, bounding into the living room. "Mail call!"
He landed on the couch next to Trickshot, the Irritating Archer. Tricky glared at the four-color, sugary super-hero.
"Lesse...fan mail, fan mail, bills, publisher's clearing house, bills, fan mail, subscription notice, death threat written in blood from the yakuza---"
"Oh, that's mine," Flapjack noted, taking the letter.
"--Victoria's Secret catalogue--"
"That's mine too," the hunchbacked butler smiled.
"--bills, fan mail, letter bomb..." He diffused it in seconds, and checked the mail some more. "Hey! A letter from Jerry Springer!"
"Really?" Carl Bastion, Trickshot, said, snatching the letter. "The LoR apparently has some grudge against us...so we get to go on the show. Official lineup only..."
"That means Flapjack, Lisette, Amy, Miss F, and the others have to stay here."
"That was kinda obvious, Dream," the archer told him.
"Just making sure..."
"Let me see this," the Dark Knight said, snatching it from Trickshot's hand. "This makes no sense...and Donar's listed with the LoR, but Troia's listed with us. I smell a trap."
"Where were you?" CSFB! asked Ziles, who entered with the mysterious avenger.
"Training in the eco-room," she answered.
"Yeah, I bet that's the reason," Flapjack said sarcastically, ducking the slap.
"The best way to beat a trap is to spring it," DK stated, paying no attention to the others. "Get the gang."
Once they left, the mansion was pumped full of knockout gas.
***
An apartment near Off-Centre Park...
Tonya Wazoo, aka PhantomGhostGirl, member of the JBH(Just a Bunch of Heroes), owned this apartment, and used it as the headquarters of the team, which currently didn't include many members, after recent tragedies.
Amazing Guy, his wife Janeen, Dancer, and ManMan had shown up to help out in case anything occured. The usual members Kid Produce, Jackie Rabbit, and Pigeonman were also there.
Something did indeed happen. Turbo Treesloth, the Florist, and Birthday Bandit crashed through the door.
"Vessel isn't responding!" PGG said of the intergalactic spaceship the JBH also used as a semi-headquarters. "Something's jamming the signal!"
A cloud of knockout gas from the Bandit's gun spread about her and Janeen. "Phasing doesn't affect your breathing, I'd hope," the villain known as Phil remarked as they passed out.
Rockets quickly took out Dancer and ManMan before they could do anything, as vines ensnared Kid Produce, Jackie Rabbit, and Pigeonman, and held them in sleeper holds. "I doubt Tonya's landlord will like this," Knifey quipped as Manny dropped him.
Amazing Guy was unaffected by the rockets and gas and taser blasts as he tore through the villains' offense. Thorned vines wrapped around him, and he tried to fight them off, but something seemed to slow him down, and he slumped to the ground after a few more rockets and tasers.
"It's a rare plant," Florist said. "Fairly poisonous."
***
Quake, Grrl, and Canadian Nightmare exploded into the GothamMetropolis headquarters of the Abandoned Legion.
Energy blasts from Quake tore Paste Pot Pete's glue-form asunder, as the hero was taken out. Banjooo tackled the villain from the future with his newly discovered power to emit prehensile tentacles from his armpits, but Quake fought them off, blasted the hero from the sea with heat, and then pounded him into the floor.
Grrl immediately went for Cobra's throat. "I've been hoping to meet you," the skinhead villainess told the trained warrior.
"Don't be too happy," Cobra stated, performing three simple moves that would render a normal person paralyzed and unconscious. Nothing happened.
"Invulnerability," Grrl smirked, backhanding Cobra onto the coffee table, demolishing it. Three shots from Cobra's banana gun followed, but did nothing to Grrl. Cobra brandished her knife, and leaped. Two kicks to the head to distract her opponent, and then a stab in the stomach. The knife bent, and broke. Grrl didn't give Cobra another chance.
A round of punches followed, and then two powerful hands squeezed around Cobra's neck. The angry, vengeful woman from the Sect of Buto grunted as she struggled to be free. A headbutt from Grrl ended the conflict.
Cap and Hunter Victorious quickly went into action against Canadian Nightmare. "Tactic Q," Cap said simply, hurling his shield at Canadian Nightmare's face. The villain tried to block, but took a hit in the jaw. Blood flowed from the side of his lip.
"That hurt," he declared.
Cap caught the shield on the rebound, as HV followed the game plan, placing his hands on the tiled floor. It rippled and broke, and shook under Nightmare's feet, throwing him slightly off-balance so that Cap could get the upper hand. Cap brought his triangular shield towards the villain's head, but a fist blocked it, and another one caught the star-spangled vigilante across the face. Another punch hit him from the opposite direction, and a powerful uppercut finished him off.
"Let's see. Tactic L? Strategy F? No...Plan G?" HV contemplated out loud.
"How about Maneuver: Up Yours," Canadian Nightmare decided for him, swinging his fist. It hit a concrete pillar as HV ducked, knocking the column down. The hero named Stephen Bloom grabbed at the villain's shins, trying to use his tactile power to take his opponent down.
The Canadian kicked him in the face. It was over.
"We'll put these guys with the rest, in the tunnels underground," Quake announced.
"Why not just kill them? It'd be fun," Grrl stated.
"Boss's orders. Don't you want to get paid?" Quake said.
"I better get it in loonies and toonies," Canadian Nightmare noted.
"Excuse me, chaps and chappettes, but what do you think you're doing, I say what?" asked Sir Mumphrey Wilton. He retrieved his Chronometer of Infinity, disguised as a pocketwatch, from his coat pocket.
***
The character known only as Chronic sat in his junky and messy motel room, strumming on his demonic guitar he had dubbed Steve. He didn't have much money, so he could only afford to stay here for a few weeks, but it granted him some solitude.
That is, until the door exploded inward.
Chronic readied his musical instrument as a small man entered the room.
"My name's Jack Knife, and I'm not here to fight you," the small man said. "I'm here to give you an offer you can't refuse."
***
The castle was located in Romania, and passed down through generations, until they were all killed, and the castle was stolen from them. The fortress was quite large, and the inside had been almost completely revamped, with much technology added. The defenses had also been updated. Laser cannons took up the space pots of boiling oil left behind.
The figure dressed in gold and red armor entered a large throne room that was towards the center of the compound. Three of his minions, dressed in simple black uniforms, flanked him as he took his seat. His team of super-villains entered after him.
"That old man was easy," the bald girl whispered to the large man, before they were quieted.
The figure began to speak.
"Florist, Grrl, Quake, Jack Knife, Birthday Bandit, Turbo Treesloth, Canadian Nightmare, and Chronic. Soon you will have your revenge, or maybe your first battle, against the Lair Legion and the League of Regulars. You will triumph over them, as you have their allies. And you will help conquer the world. The planet was meant for us to rule it, and it will soon be ours for the taking."
"Yes, Balefire," Quake nodded.
Balefire smirked, and ran a gauntleted hand through his brown hair. "We will win the war," he added, and his hands emitted a bright flame, which enveloped his three minions, leaving no trace of their existance afterwards. The mastermind villain's eyes blinked with energy afterward. Then he started to chuckle. "We have to get to America quickly, for the trap is in motion. Mass teleportation will suffice. Get ready for battle."
Continued...
Next issue: The fight scene I couldn't fit in this one takes place next issue! the LL and LoR versus Balefire and his team on the set of Jerry Springer! Ratings will be boosted, but battles will be lost. What happens to the team if they're captured? What's Balefire's ultimate scheme? All this and the continued adventures of the rest of the Parodyverse underground, as well as some scenes with the LL's supporting cast. Be there, next month! Yes, LLC is going monthly. Rejoice!
Lair Legion Chronicles #8
Written by Nats
Fear
"What are you reading?" Jury, the Shaper of Worlds, one of the primary cosmic offices of the Parodyverse, asked the Chronicler of Stories, who was another office-holder.
"Oh, reading about the Lair Legion, as usual..." the Chronicler replied.
"Anything interesting?" Shaper wondered.
"New villain."
"Ahh..."
"Yeah. He seems pretty dangerous."
"Let me know how this one ends."
"You bet. After all, there's no way the Lair Legion is predictable."
***
"Die! DIE! Graaah!" Nats screamed in agony as he played his Game Boy in the Lairjet, with the rest of the Lair Legion, on their way to a taping of Jerry Springer.
"What are you screaming about?" CrazySugarFreakBoy! asked him, coming over and sitting next to the flying delivery boy.
"Perfect Dark for Game Boy Color. I'm on the last level, or so. But I didn't pick up a certain gun in the first stage, so this stage is impossible...Graaah!" Bill Reed yelled as he lost again.
"Oh, I beat that ages ago. Here, let me show you." CSFB! took the handheld video game system from Nats, played for about two minutes, and handed it back.
"What the...?"
"Got past the guards and diffused the bomb for you."
"..." Nats stared blankly at the sugary super-hero.
"What?"
"This is your captain speaking," came Hatman's voice over the intercom. "We are currently preparing to land at our destination. Please make sure your seat belts are firmly fastened, and turn off all electronic devices that are not maintaining your life signs."
Nats quickly shut his Game Boy off, placed it in the seat pocket in front of him, and buckled in.
Then he remembered he forgot to save his game.
"So," Fin Fang Foom asked the Dark Knight, who was co-piloting the Lairjet. "Do we just go in there like we know nothing?"
"Exactly. We have to rely on our enemy's incompetence," the dark avenger noted.
"Like always?"
"Yes. Like always."
The jet landed in the studio's parking lot.
***
Meanwhile, a 1987 sedan pulled into the parking lot.
"Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth!" Donar boomed.
"Wow. I don't know how, but we drove cross-country in three hours," Cheryl noted.
"Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth!" Donar boomed again.
"Yep," Visionary said, patting the dashboard of the car, as he put it in park. "Good ol' Betsy. Had 'er longer than we've been married."
"Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth!" Donar boomed a third time.
"Yes, dear," Cheryl nodded, "But I think Enty's rocket thrusters, combined with Yo believing we could make it helped."
"Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth!" Donar boomed once more.
"Well, what about my superb driving skills?" Vizh asked.
"Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth!" Donar boomed.
"They were the same as usual," Cheryl sighed. "I think we lost the transmission somewhere in Nebraska, though."
"Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth! Jerry-eth!" Donar boomed happily.
"Gaaaaaah! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You've been yelling that for the ENTIRE DRIVE!" NTU-150 barked. "I'm sick of it! Sick! Sick! Gaaaaaah!" The cyborg super-hero burst from the car and ran away screaming.
"Yo is wondering what is being wrong with cute Jamie," Yo stated.
And with that, the League of Regulars had arrived.
***
"The Dark Knight needs no makeup," grumbled the Lair Legionnaire that was standing in the shadows occupying the corner of the dressing room.
"Really, do you think I need accentuated cheekbones?" Nats asked.
"What can we do with that hair?" the hairdresser wondered of CSFB!'s unruly mane.
"Why can't there be any female security guards to tackle me down during the show?" Trickshot pondered.
"Oh, I hope my eyes don't ruin the camera shots," Goldeneyed worried.
"For the last time, I don't need pants, I'm---" Fin Fang Foom argued.
"Which hat should I wear? Should I go without one? No...maybe my Hatman hat..." Hatman fretted.
"Where's my coffee?" Exile demanded.
"Is my hair color right?" Sorceress asked. "I knew I should've went with black..."
"I do NOT look fat in this," Troia215 snarled. "And the spear stays in my RIGHT hand..."
"How far down should I let the zipper?" Ziles pondered. "What? No, I don't need any more blush, thank you."
"Jerry-eth!" Donar smiled as the group of hairdressers tried to straighten his beard to no avail."Could you wax my armor, please?" Enty asked.
"Does my hair look okay?" Vizh wanted to know. "Is the diamond centered? Is my coat wrinkled?""
"Yo is wondering why Yo is being in the ladies dressy room. Yo is genderless...Yo think Yo am looking fine."
"Oh, I hope Visionary isn't *too* confused right now," Cheryl said as she got her hair brushed.
"Is my skirt short enough?" Lisa wondered. "Tell me, is this enough cleavage?"
"And remember, start a fight as soon as you can," the stage managers told the LL and LoR as they prepared to enter from seperate sides of the set.
The show began.
"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" chanted the already-captivated audience, as the host of the world's most infamous 'daytime talk show', Jerry Springer, entered the set, smiling and waving at the crowd, which was mainly composed of rednecks, vapid morons, and old ladies. Anyone with half a brain was smart enough not to actually go to a live taping of the show. It could get bloody, and it's impossible to get blood out of cotton if one forget their raincoat or umbrella. Besides, who had enough self-pride to get caught on camera? Surely, spouses and co-workers would ridicule one for eternity.
"Hi," Jerry smiled, trying to get the crowd to stop applauding. "Welcome to a very special Jerry Springer. Today we have 'Super-Hero Grudge Matches.' With us are the Lair Legion and the League of Regulars. Come out, teams!"
The LL entered from the left; The LoR from the right. Donar was still chanting happily.
"Now, I propose we open up with questions..." Jerry suggested. "Yes, you sir, the Romanian fellow in the gold armor, red cape, and headband."
"Hello. This is a general question for all of you. What would you say if I told you I'd defeated all of your super-hero allies, and deposited them in an undisclosed location, in a near-death situation? Then tell me what you would do when I calmly explained that my forces were right now closing in on you? And what will you try to do when I take over the world?"
"I'm guessing he's the villain," Finny said.
"Yep," DK nodded.
"My name is Balefire," the villain said, as a flame shot from his hand, enveloped Jerry Springer, and turned him to ash.
"Holy---" Trickshot spat, leaping to his feet. The rest of the heroes did the same.
"Lair Legion...line up!" Finny shouted, for lack of a better catch phrase.
"Vizh, say the catch phrase," Lisa told him.
"Umn...why do I have to be leader?"
"Say it!"
"League of Regulars...uhhh...yeah," he mumbled.
"Now for my Final Thought," Balefire smirked. "Get them."
The back wall exploded inward, and Balefire's strike force entered.
"Holy cow!" an executive grinned backstage. "These will be the best ratings ever! I don't believe this!"
"Mike, you idiot!" a female executive yelled at him. "Jerry Springer is DEAD! Total chaos is erupting on the set! Everything's gone bad! Do you know what this means?"
"...it must be sweeps week," the executive deduced. "Genius!"
Quake's energy blasts took out Lisa before she could use her summoning power.
However, a baseball bat with a nail in it named Mjalcolm(tm) collided into the side of his head, and rebounded back to its owner.
"Quake! Thou foul wretch! Thou and thy ilk hath dost killed Jerry! Thou shalt pay unto the most high!" Donar bellowed in anger. "Taketh this! And thatst!"
Powerful lightning blasts erupted from the bat, slamming into Quake. "I've taken these before," Quake snarled. "Anything new?" He quickly spun around and grabbed Troia215, who was sneaking behind him to disable him with her spear.
"Lemme go! Lemme...mmph!" Troia yelled.
"One trick and I snap her neck, Donar," the villain from the future smiled. "What's it gonna be?"
Donar's shoulders slumped. He turned around, and hurled Mjalcolm(tm) out of the studio, into the sky, out of sight.
"You win," the hemigod of thunder surrendered.
Jack Knife flung concussion knives at Cheryl, who was taken down.
"Honey!" Visionary said, rushing to his wife's side. "Are you okay? Are you...gyaah!" Giant vines ensnared the possibly-fake-man, holding him off the ground.
"You may not know me," the Florist said. "I'm the Florist."
Nats flew straight at him. "I can take you," the hero surmised.
"You surmise wrong," the mad gardener told him, as Nats found himself caught in a web of vines and branches. Nats's cane was knocked out of his hand as he felt thorns dig into his wrists. Leaves smacked him in the face, trying to suffocate him.
"Gah! Splfft! Ugh! Aaah! Groping!" Concentrate... Nats thought. He opened his hand. He tried to pull out his telekinesis. He concentrated on the visage of the staff, saw it lifting into the air and flying right into his grasp.
And then he felt the stick in his hand. Nats smiled.
Suddenly, the plants that were holding him burst into flames and flopped to the side.
"Aaah! Fire!" Visionary cried from under a pile of vines, rolling around.
"Stay back!" The Florist warned, setting up a thick wall of trees between him and Nats. Nats fought the trees with telekinesis and flame.
Then Ziles turned visible and kicked the Florist in the neck.
NTU-150 blasted back a spray of electro-knives with a laser blast. "I don't think so, Jack," he told Jack Knife. "Now take this!" Enty pressed the button that was supposed to launch rockets. It launched confetti. "Dang..."
Explosive, electric, and concussion knives bombarded him, giving him a temporary systems failure.
CSFB! bounced wildly around the stage. "Now this is a talk show!" he proclaimed, turning into an orange and green blur, and slamming into Canadian Nightmare at 70 miles per hour. "Now that's the American Way, Mr. Canada!"
A red energy blast knocked Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove off his feet, but left him relatively unharmed. "Exile, what was that for?" the sugary super-hero asked his teammate.
Exile just stared blankly at him.
"Unnh..." Canadian Nightmare grunted, standing up. "Destroy him, eh?" he told his mind-controlled minions.
A torrent of energy spikes hurtled towards CrazySugarFreakBoy! The hero blocked a few. The rest bounced off his nigh-impervious costume, made of Impossibilityium!
"The costume's tough. Go for the head," Exile advised.
"Roger that," Goldeneyed nodded, telporting his fists into CSFB!'s face, pounding him unconscious.
Sorceress used spells to block several of Turbo Treesloth's rockets. Hatman walked up behind her.
"Heya, lover," she smiled at him. "Be a dear and take that big rat out."
"I'm a treesloth, blast it!" the villain corrected her. "Isn't it obvious? Isn't it?"
"Jay? Honey? Hello? Earth to--"
Then Hatman performed the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on her, knocking her out. Then he took off his Spock ears.
"Live short and perish," he quipped coldly.
Trickshot flung his anti-missile arrows at Turbo Treesloth's missiles, taking them out.
"There's more where they came from," the Treesloth warned him.
"Whatever, you fat little chipmunk," the Irritating Archer grumbled. "Let's just end this and call it a day."
"I'm a freaking TREESLOTH, dammit!" Turbo Treesloth bellowed, rocketing straight at the archer.
"Got you cocky and reckless, didn't I, raccoon boy?" Trickshot laughed, leaping over the treesloth's assault.
The villain flew straight into the Birthday Bandit.
"Oww!" "Oof!" "Geez!" "Whoa!" came the flurry of shouts.
"Yo thinks Yo can take you, uncute girly!" the genderless thought-being known as Yo declared, jumping straight at Grrl.
"The name's Grrl, you little twerp," she snarled, kicking Yo out of her way.
"Yo thinks Yo knows Tae Kwon Do!" Yo stated.
"It's nice to think that, I guess," Grrl grimaced, blocking kicks and chops. She released one solid punch that caught Yo square in the jaw, knocking him/her out.
"Yo thinks that hurt," s/he said.
"You play rough, eh?" a voice from the shadows whispered in Grrl's ear. "So do I."
The Dark Knight took Grrl in a headlock and squeezed. Grrl elbowed him in the side, breaking a few of his ribs. Then she flipped him over her back and kneed him in the head on the way down.
"Really? You seem like a kitten to me."
"Just seeing what you're made of," DK smirked. "Here's where you go down." He feigned with his foot, but followed up with a punch. Three more nerve punches later, Grrl was still standing, and swung her fist. DK dodged it and kicked her legs out from under her, but she did a backflip and landed on her feet without ever hitting the floor. The Grim Avenger backhanded her before she could do anything else, then took the kick that followed and rolled with it.
DK quickly hurled three shurikens at her. One sprayed acid over her leather bodysuit, another sliced at her cheek, the the other exploded in her gut. She didn't act like she felt them. DK leaped at her and kicked her in the head, then quickly dodged the punch he knew she'd throw. He caught the next one and headbutted her, but she pushed him out of the way angrily. He picked up a chair and hit her with it, kicked her, and then brought the chair down over her head. She grabbed him and slammed him through the table, but he held onto her and threw in into some more chairs. She threw one at him but he blocked it.
"Come on, is that the best you can do?" Dark Knight yelled.
"You don't want to start a flame war, do you?" She opened her mouth and a torrent of fire erupted from her throat, enveloping DK in flames. He was taken aback for just a moment, long enough for her to strike.
She punched him in the arm, breaking it. She kneed him in the groin, hard. He fought back and blocked a few punches, but she snapped a couple of his ribs and got him in a headlock. Then she broke his neck.
"I heard you could take it more than the rest..." she stated, throwing his limp body into the wall. He slumped to the ground, waiting for his bones to heal. "I hope you enjoyed that. It was a nice workout."
"What do you want to hear? I'm taking requests..." Chronic said.
"Put the guitar down and surrender," Fin Fang Foom ordered of him.
"Nah..." the junkie with the demonic guitar told him. "Me and Steve ain't going anywhere."
"C'mon, Chronic, don't do this. You've been on the side of good before."
"I wasn't on any sides. I was on my side. They're payin' me good for this, and said I could fight Troia if I felt like it. So I'm gonna. Now get out of my way and let me have at 'er." He began strumming Bat Out of Hell.
"Chronic...this is your last chance. I'm giving you three seconds."
"I'm not giving *you* that much time," the villain smiled, and the song picked up.
Finny was pounded back by the music of the guitar from hell. He didn't really want to hurt Chronic, but the boy was giving him no choice, so he swung his tail.
Steve the guitar almost whispered in Chronic's ear, telling him when to jump and when to duck. Chronic kept playing the music, ever so louder.
The song reverberated off the walls of the studio, vibrating the entire stage, shaking the whole building. The song, however, was mainly directed towards Finny, who took the music blasts, and began walking towards Chronic.
I can't just fry him, Finny though. But I need to take him out.
However, the dragon's bones were quaking under the pressure and power of the guitar's music. He has enough power to break a Celestian, but I have to get him... Smoke billowed out of the Makluan's nostrils. Just a bit closer...
Chronic knew he was coming, and let him have it. He cranked up the volume on Steve, and turned on the mini-amps in his new jacket, which Balefire provided. He was wearing his very own speaker system. Then he brought his hand down hard on the strings in one loud blast.
It exploded against Finny's chest, and knocked him on his back. He didn't want to get up.
"I don't believe it! But I did it! I beat Fin Fang Foom! Holy crap, yeah!" Chronic shouted, not being able to hide his enthusiasm.
"Good choice, surrendering and all," Quake told Donar. He still held Troia215 in his arms. "Still...you know I'm gonna kill her anyway."
"Somehoweth, I doubtest that."
Mjaclcom (tm) came through the back wall, and gave Quake a solid whack in the back of his head. In that one moment, he opened his hands just enough for Troia to get free and stab him in the groin with her spear.
"Aargh!" Quake said, backhanding her out of his way. "DONARRR!"
"I hadst wondered ift I couldst throweth mine trusty bat aroundst the world. 'Tis apparent that I canst."
Quake brought his hands down on Donar, but the hemigod blocked them with his bat. Then he batted the villain across the head. Then in the ribs. Quake just punched harder.
"You just don't get it, DO you?" Quake boomed. "I can't be beaten! I keep coming back! You're nothing! NOTHING, dammit! I'm stronger! I always will be!" He again and again hit Donar. The Ausgardian could knock block all the hits, and began to succumb.
Quake unknowingly blasted Donar with heat and sound blasts as he reigned punched on his opponent.
Donar slugged Quake across the face, but the villain returned with a punch three times as powerful. The angrier Quake got, the stronger he seemed to become. The hero zapped him with more lightning, but Quake didn't feel it. He just whaled upon Donar.
All Troia could do was watch.
Finally, Quake, remembering Balefire wanted the team alive, kneed Donar in the jaw, knocking him back. Then he blasted him full-force with his energy beams, which, upon contact with Donar, hit him so hard they forced him through the air.
"There!" Enty said. "Back online!"
Then Donar took him through the wall.
Lisa began to stir. Finny groaned. Ziles and Nats prepared for more fights. Trickshot readied an arrow. Troia sharpened her spear in anger. The Dark Knight tried to stand up. Yo thought some nasty thoughts. Visionary whimpered.
Then the audience de-cloaked and bumrushed the stage.
It was ratings heaven.
***
"I didn't think, when I signed on for this job, that I'd have to be a substitute secretary," groaned Amber St. Claire, the Lair Legion's government liason, between phone calls. "Yes? No, CrazySugarFreakBoy! isn't in. Hello? No, they aren't here. What? You say you're a Nats fan? Sorry, wrong number. No, we don't need new windows. Hello? No, our long-distance service is fine. Lair mansion...no, he's not here for questioning. Hello? Yes, the Dark Knight really exists..."
"I thought they'd be back by now," Valeria told Laurie Leyton, aka Lisette.
"Well, the knockout gas was a bad sign," Lisette replied.
"Do you think everything's all right?"
"I hope it's as well as it could be."
"About Bry..."
"I hope he's okay."
"Are you every going to tell---"
"Not in the near future, no. I want to save him from the hurt."
"Well, I'm not one to pry, but don't you think it'll hurt him more by not telling him?"
"...I...try not to think about things like that."
"Yeah," Valeria sighed. "I'd suppose not."
The buzzing noise echoed throughout the first floor of the mansion.
"Excuse me...yes, I know...please hold," Amber said, and put the phone down.
"Who could that be?" wondered Amy Racecar, wiping oil off her overalls.
"I don't know, but if it was a threat, surely the defenses would--"
"Enty designed them," Amy told her. "You can never be sure."
Amber St. Claire opened the door.
"Don't I know you?"
"You might," the bubbly woman wearing a pink tube top and tight blue jeans with elevated sandals smiled. "My adoring public calls me Lania. Is Finny around?"
Ahh, that's right, Amber thought. Lania, the actress that is occasionally Fin Fang Foom's...girlfriend, or so I've read. "No, he's not here, but if you want me to take a message for him..."
"No thanks. I can wait," she winked. "By the way, who *are* you?"
Amber shook her hand. "The name's Amber St. Claire. I'm the government liason to the team."
"Oh. You looked like a new secretary, or something. I heard Finny was making some changes..."
"Right. But, I'm not the secretary, because the team was called away, and I need to help out, so..."
"Uh-huh. So I'll just be over there, y'know...hangin' with the girls."
"...right."
"Guys, come quick!" Amy Racecar called from the living room. The big screen TV was on CNN.
"Breaking news report...this footage was taken from the set of today's taping of the Jerry Springer show...apparently Mr. Springer was murdered and the Lair Legion and League of Regulars were attacked by some super-villain team who may or may not have connections to some strange Romanian man... Our condolences go out to Mr. Springer's family. More news as it develops, but for now, let's let the footage speak for itself."
"Oh. My. God," Lisette stated.
"It's horrible," Valeria said.
"But what could we do about it?" Amber wondered.
"Hold the fort, I guess," Amy shrugged.
"Hey, look at it this way," Lania suggested. "It's good for public relations. We're getting the LL name out."
"What?" Amber cried, shocked. "People get killed, the Lair Legion gets kidnapped, and you say it's good for business? Just what...who do you think you are?"
"Don't you know? I'm the new PR rep for this team. Now I think we better hold a press conference. Now 'scuze me, toots, I have phone calls to make."
"Hey, secretary-chick!" Flapjack, the hunchbacked butler called out to Amber.
"I'm the government liason, dammit!" she replied.
"Whatever," he said, slinking up the steps. "By the way...Dan Drury called. He wanted to know what the hell was going on."
"Just...swell..." Amber grumbled.
***
"My head hurts worse than an underage hangover," Ian Astheimer, the Icewing, muttered as he regained consciousness. Then he got kicked in the side.
"Why didn't you tell us you had powers, man?" Shane Jackson, the former teenage Messenger, spat at him.
"Um...the topic never came up over lunch?" Icewing smiled as he got to his feet.
"So how'd you get your powers?" Jeremy Wick, the Dynamite Boy, wondered. "I got mine when some German scientist experimented with me. Plus, there were a lot of hamsters and telekinetic frogs involved. Then I got sucked into a hell dimension, and for some unknown reason thanks to spotty continuity, the Lair Legion rescued me...so anyway, where'd you get your powers?"
"Born with 'em," Ian said.
"...oh...I see."
"Hey, you're a mutant too?" De Brown Streak asked him. "Cool. Have you done any outlaw-like things? I once disturbed a national trial, and kidnapped an actress. Plus I broke into the mayor's office..."
"Um, not really. I just tried to save my friends and beat up these super-villain losers..."
"Heh. They always seem like losers until they kick your bum, don't they?" the scraggy hero known only as dull thud smiled.
~~Don't be so mean, thuddy, the same has happened to you,~~ his telepathic tapeworm informed him.
"Hey, I'm not denying it, Cressida," thud said to her.
Everyone else, not knowing of the tapeworm, slowly backed away from him.
"Oh, for bloody...it's Captain Astounding. Act like I'm not here," thud said, holding his hand up to the side of his face.
"The ever-flying feathered Falcon ponders just where he and his ragtag band of Parodiopolis allies could possibly be. Then he notices the rough stone walls, and figures he has to be underground somewhere, probably near the Morshlocks," the self-narrating hero Falcon told himself, and anyone who would listen.
"Ahh. I see then," Amazing Guy nodded. "So how to we get out?"
"Falcon only assesses the situation. It would take a leader of uncanny proportions to figure out just how to escape, and where to go."
"I'll do it!" Icewing said. DB and Shane restrained him.
"I don't want to be here," spiffy said. "I have mayoring to do."
"That sounds like volunteering to me," Cap said. "spiffy can do it."
"..."
"Come on, Mark, it's easy. Just point in a direction, and we'll go there," his friend Banjooooo, King of the Sea Monkeys, told him.
"Okay," spiffy said. He did.
"That's a wall, spiff," Cobra grunted.
"Right then."
"Ahh, give the kid credit," Captain Astounding said. "He doesn't have all the powers we do. He just has a fern."
"It's a lot more useful than the ability to hold your arm at shoulder-length for extended periods of time," PhantomGhostGirl said.
"Or so you'd think," Granny Fang assured her.
"So, uh, let's just go this way," Kid Produce suggested.
Then the evil Outcasts attacked.
"Grr," Man-Hamster grred. "Man-Hamster disgruntled!"
"Get 'em!" Sgt. Snail ordered his 'troops.' "I'll be over here...and stuff."
Then the Unpossible Man, the Gunsman, the Man With Two Chins, the Dung Beetle, the Demon Fish, the Human Grenade, the Mole Pirate, the Oaf, and Man-Hamster surrounded them. Sgt. Snail cowered behind a rock.
"Damnalamma!" Icewing exclaimed.
***
The castle was a popular spot on the Romanian countryside. It was the pride of the village. But then he came and killed them all.
The dim light was sufficient enough for his throne room. He sat in contempletion, pondering over his next move. He had them in his grasp. Now it was time to slowly crush them. Then the world would be his. They would cower under his rule.
Balefire would be their king at last.
Their leader was helpless. He was in his own private holo-cell in the dungeon of the castle.
"No...stay away...stay away!" Fin Fang Foom begged of them. "Back!"
The naked women advanced closer.
"No...please...not me! Stay back! Aaah!"
They displayed themselves for him.
"Oh God oh God oh God..." He covered his eyes.
The drool appeared at the far corner of his mouth...and it slid down his jaw.
"I just don't want you in it anymore, Jay," Whitney Darkness, the Sorceress, the woman he loved, told him.
"It's the Lair Legion or me.
"You can't be a super-hero if you want to stay with me.
"I won't let it."
Hatman tried to comprehend this. Tears appeared in his eyes.
He didn't know what to do.
The dunce cap duct-taped to his head had rendered him feeble and stupid.
"You're worthless...you mean nothing to me!" Jay Boaz yelled at her.
"You're not a friend...you're a tramp, a hag!" Finny spat.
"Don't yell at me...it's not true!" Whitney Darkness, the Sorceress, sobbed.
"You're the weak link in the team..."
"Go back to the Abandoned Legion where you belong!"
"You're useless because you're a woman..."
"I never loved you..."
"You don't deserve me..."
"No! Stop it! Stop it!"
"You were a mistake!" Xander, her father, told her.
"I'm ashamed that you're in the family," her grandmother Hagatha grumbled.
"You're the worst granddaughter I could hope for," Sir Mumphery said.
"No...no..." she cried.
"You're no witch. You couldn't use a spell to get out of a paper bag..."
Then the spiders closed in on her.
Trickshot's screams echoed throughout his room.
"No! This isn't happening...I know it's not. It can't...it couldn't..."
He was surrounded by graves of his fellow LLers.
"I couldn't let any more die. I can't... I've lost too much."
Exile looked around.
He didn't like what he saw.
An endless hall of monitors, keyboards, sensors...
No doors.
No way out.
Eternal monitor duty.
The greatest torture Derek Foreman could face.
Goldeneyed cried.
He lifted the head of Laurie Leyton.
His girlfriend was dead.
And he screamed.
Terror, anguish, hatred, all poured out of him.
Nats didn't even bother screaming.
He just went with it.
He was falling.
Endlessly.
He couldn't fly.
And now he was doomed.
He looked to his cane for help, but it just morphed into a snake...
...and bit him.
CrazySugarFreakBoy! thought he was used to this ultimate fear business.
However, he realized he wasn't.
He couldn't run from them.
They were everywhere.
And he was trapped.
Bees.
Hundreds of them.
Maybe thousands.
Bees. Everywhere.
His childhood fear had come to life.
He didn't necessarily mind bees...
He liked insects.
Oh, but insects do not like Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove.
Especially the bees...that he was allergic to.
CSFB! couldn't breathe to scream.
Donar smashed through wall after wall.
Each room he came into was completely closed off, but he just kept smashing his way through.
Each room he came into had a horrible image of a dead Troia215.
Each room he came into blasted his own lightning right back at him.
Donar didn't care.
He didn't know if it was real or not.
He was just mad.
He just kept fighting.
Nothing could stop a god with a mad on.
He would find the one that did this.
Troia215, meanwhile, was in a different situation.
Normally, she didn't show enough heart to others.
Now, what little heart she had was broken.
She had finally realized that she would die as Donar lived on.
True, it would be a long time from now, and true, Amazons live longer than other humans, but she wasn't on her home island now. She had become mortal, and she would have to pay the price of mortals.
Visionary snapped back at Cheryl.
Cheryl screamed at him.
They were each chained against a wall, opposite the other.
They were each being manipulated into hearing something other than what the other was hearing.
They were being turned against one another.
Lisa awoke.
"Uhh..." She looked around. Her arms were chained to the wall, and she had a major concussion and a few minor burns.
She looked down.
She was wearing a belt of chastity. It was chained and duct-taped around her, to make sure it stayed on. There was no key in sight.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
NTU-150 was sprawled over the floor, with tears welling up in his eyes.
His arms and legs were gone.
He was little more than a torso with a head.
He realized something.
He wasn't a man.
He was a cyborg.
A machine.
A thing.
He couldn't take it.
Yo knew his/her friends were hurt. In trouble. Or worse.
S/he couldn't do anything to help them.
This hurt Yo.
Yo didn't know what to do.
So s/he began to lose hope...
And when all hope was lost...
Yo would die.
Ziles was in chains.
Allergies from the plant Allergus IV were also holding her in their pus-covered tentacles.
She was on her home plant Xnylone.
The Lair Legion had just testified against her.
She was being sentenced to death for untranslatable crimes.
She really didn't care.
She knew it wasn't real.
She was reaching out, with her empathic abilities...
She needed to find a way out.
She would.
It was only a matter of time...
The Dark Knight swung upside-down.
He was tied up in rope, chains, barbed wire, and metal alloy polymer.
He was straight-jacketed and handcuffed.
He was blindfolded and gagged.
Sensors on him produced painful electric shocks if he struggled.
A layer of duct tape was wrapped around his body.
Cement was smeared over him.
He was drugged, in a daze and slight stupor, with a fever.
The temperature in the room was 115 degrees Fahrenheit.
And if the Dark Knight touched the ceiling, floor, door, or any of the walls, the room would explode in a fiery holocaust.
As would the rooms of all his teammates.
He was between a rock and a hard place.
And they were closing in on him.
***
The Oaf, Man-Hamster, and the Dung Beetle went flying with one Amazing punch from some Guy. "That oughta teach you not to mess with the Protector of the Universe," he said.
Shane Jackson dodged the suddenly slow moving bullets of the Gunsman, Matrix-style.
"Heh. That should show the blighter."
Icewing struggled to defend himself from the Mole Pirate. Then the Man With Two Chins chin-slammed him from behind.
Cobra kicked the Demon Fish away. "We're fighting a losing battle here. They have big numbers, and we're cramped in this corner."
Suddenly, rocks bombarded the Outcasts.
"Oh no! Hard, round chunks of earth! Flee, my mutated minions! Flee!" Sgt. Snail slithered away as quickly as possible.
"All our powers, and we could do nothing," Dynamite Boy noted. "Yet a bunch of rocks took out our enemies."
"We definitely need practice," Dancer concluded.
"Or at least a bunch of rocks for ourselves," De Brown Streak added.
A slightly deformed man stepped forward with his brethren.
"Come with us. We can take you to safety."
"Should we trust him?" spiffy whispered to Banjooo.
"I really don't see why not, Mark. We don't know the way out, and these guys did save us from trouble."
"Yeah, but haven't you ever heard from 'out of the frying pan, and into the fire?'"
"Let's just trust them anyway."
"Okay, whatever."
"I am of the hidden Morshlock clan," the man said as they entered a large cave with tunnels branching off in all directions, and bridges of rock leading upwards through the open cavern. "We will prepare a great feast tonight."
"Terrific," dull thud smiled. "I'm starved. What's for dinner?"
"You are," the Morshlock said as the group of heroes were surrounded by an army of Morshlocks.
"I told you," spiffy said.
"Shut up," the king of the sea monkeys replied.
"Dazamn!" Icewing interjected.
***
"Hello, ladies and gentlemen of the world."
"Hola, personas del mundo."
"Bonjour..."
Balefire's voice translated into every language. His visage and his voice was appearing on every television, every radio station, and was ricocheting off every satellite on the planet, and off. He was literally everywhere.
"I would like you to know that I have captured your heroes. They are currently undergoing painful torture, horrible decimation, or worse. You are helpless. You are at my whim.
"I have nuclear missiles aimed at all your capitals and major cities. And at your own missile silos.
"Once I wipe off a billion or so of you, and cripple your economy and defense, I think you'll see things my way.
"However, if you want to try a last desperate attempt to save yourselves, scrounge together five billion American dollars. I will contact you in one hour. If you do not have it by then, say goodbye to the world as you know it. And hail your new king. I now rule you all."
A minion rushed to Balefire's side and whispered something to him.
"What? Impossible," the villain said, still on the air. "He couldn't have escaped. It was foolproof! He's just one man! Kill him! Bring me the head of the Dark Knight!"
The screens went black, the radios cut off, and the transmissions ceased.
Then the world contemplated what to do.
To Be Concluded...
Next issue: Okay, so it wasn't exactly monthly. But in the next semi-monthly issue, it's pure action and adventure! The LL and the LoR versus Balefire and his Strike Team! The Dark Knight's final gambit! The Parodyverse Irregulars versus the Morshlocks and S'habba D'habba D'hu, the Groper Out of Grossness! Plus...the death of the Lair Legion! No foolin'! Show up and read the dang thing.
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